Yep, ANOTHER new account. Basically since I made this Tumblr “curiousthatkaz” off of my original Tumblr “thatkaz” things get confusing when replying, following, etc. So, I am sending messages to everyone who follows me, briefly explaining the change and giving the new site link. By the way the new site is, tomorrowwillbekinderblog.tumblr.com. Follow!
There will be new things about the new Tumblr. Also I will be incorporating my old quotes and such into the new Tumblr as well.
Hopefully this isn’t too annoying, but it really will make things easier for me in the end.
I tried my first Jonagold apple last night/early this morning. It is hard for me to figure out words to describe how things taste. It was sweet, it didn’t feel “fresh” like I want eating an apple to feel like. I am not even sure if that makes sense.
Today I stayed in bed until 3:30. I am sure some of that was due to watching a live birth of a baby giraffe and wanting to see it take its first steps and such.
Some of it was due to dreams. I would wake up from a dream in a horrible place in the dream, so I attempt to go back to sleep to get the dream in a better place. That doesn’t work out. When I was little, I was able to stop bad dreams and nightmares at a point and imagine I was in a place full of televisions with various dream options on the screens. There was a man there asking me to pick which screen I would like to use. Weird but awesomely functional for a little kid.
Also, some of it was just reluctance. Reluctance to eat or reluctance to function? That is both an important question and also one that doesn’t really matter. Is my depression ruling or my eating disorder? Both need help, but it seems that one has to be “under control” for the other to be addressed…at least by treatment facilities.
No, I am not looking into going inpatient anywhere. I am considering going into a day program for my ED once I am at a functioning level. It sucks when there are days that go so smoothly that I get my hopes up and then the next day things come crashing down. I was talking to my therapist yesterday and I know I need to try harder. Not just try, but do. Not just ignore the alarms for walking up and eating that I have set. But to hear them and to ACT upon them.
Today it took Phoebe to get me out of bed. I am beyond thankful to have her in my life. She has saved me in so many ways.
I had signed up for a MahJong Meetup this evening. I am not sure whether I can will myself to go or not. The desire to sit at home and be comfortable (and yet also uncomfortable) is strong. But, I know getting out and being social is the better answer.
I wish I was stylish. Instead I typically leave in jeans and a t-shirt or something like that. Occasionally I sport a hat of some sort. You see, I LOVE fashion…but I can’t seem to leave my comfort in hiding behind jeans and a t-shirt. One of these days though…I have a cute punkish dress that I bought that I have never worn. One of these days I will wear it, and I will post a pic of it as well. It will take some courage to do so. But one of these days…
I have rambled far enough. I need to start getting myself into gear so that I can break out of the isolation cycle. True, I was social last night. But that was only because I had to be out of the house earlier for appointments (I even missed one) earlier.
Today it is different. I have things I would like to do. I want to go to a local music/dvd/etc. store before playing MahJong. I would like to get a roll of quarters so that laundry can be done.
So off of this site. I will finish my snack/meal/whatever and get into the shower. I will get into movement instead of choosing to remain stationary and non-functioning. Off I go, even though I am anxious at the thought of it all. PUSH. That is my word/mantra for the day: PUSH.
I just got weighed at the doctor’s office. Instead of her weighing me backwards and then me weighing myself after she leaves the room, I told her to just weigh me facing the scale. There is no reason to keep up the facade. And…I have gained…4-5 pounds. I can’t tell you how I am feeling right now. I am wanting to burst into tears but can’t because I am still at the doctor’s office, waiting for blood to be taken. I knew I had gained. Just seeing how much I have gained in a month is unsettling. I probably gained due to my hypothyroidism and I probably won’t be able to lose it at all. I am scared I will keep gaining. I am now 10 pounds over my goal weight. I feel so crushed.